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o_OXD5477
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Name: Joi
Birthday: 1/25/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: playing and listening to music.
games. video games, internet games. games.
randomness that comes with hanging out with friends.
surprisingly.. shopping.
star gazing
exploring/adventuring with friends
movies movies movies.
band
cooking and baking
[and]
life.
Expertise: sushi.
anything baking.
piano.
trombone.
baritone's gettin there.
"big sister"
friend
piano teacher.
Occupation: Student // piano teacher
Industry: none
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  CHIEF SoGGY PIE
Member Since:
7/4/2003
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| just listening to something mellow.
can't sleep. well more like im just used to staying awake this late now a days. whoops >__<
haven't blogged in awhile. i only know a few ppl, if any, really read this.
i dont even know where to begin. always negative things im rambling about in here. i was surprised how much i ranted to my best friend tonight, about the things that have been bugging me. i didn't realize how much until i started telling her. i've had a recurring nightmare for the last 2 nights i think? it brought out my insecurities a lot. and things with the fanime boy, i don't know. as i started talking about my nightmare more to my best friend and how it got me thinking more about things. she agreed with me on the realization that i have been settling for "just fine" when it comes to boys, rather than only accepting a "prince" lol. and honestly.. i haven't been truly happy with a boy for a good amount of years. but i don't know.. i just can't stand being alone.. it completely eats me away inside and out thinking about how... scary the thought is. and the only person i really love, my best friend, is moving away to UCSD in the fall.
i'm always settling for not good enough. the ultra clingy, the hopeless, the cold hearted, the sadistic manipulator, the grade A asshole, the insecure emo. ...man this shit's been going on for a damn large amount of years.
and to top it all off i was stupid and sliced myself with a serrated knife while trying to cut a bagguette last night -_-
enough ranting. nite.
.joy
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| so i've been going to sleep around 2am on school nights for the last 2 weeks regardless of how early i'll have to wake up in the morning. my own fault >.<
what's bugging me. what's distracting me. what makes me delay all this damn studying.. i actually started studying today! although i should have... last monday =/
sitting here listening to death cab for a cutie. particularly the older ones i've had for the last.. year and a half bring back a surge of memories both good and bad. but it's not really the bad ones i keep thinking about (well when i listen to these songs, not constantly throughout the day, mind you) but distinctive fond memories.. of san diego on veterans' weekend of '07. of how... things just felt amazing then. and i keep thinking of him.. when i listen to these songs.
i haven't told anyone this is why i've been feeling so lost..? at night these past few days, maybe these past couple of weeks, probably just didn't realize it..? o.O i am SO ridiculously done with dating. these past two weeks finding out some of my guy friends are interested in me. me thinking why the hell not. and then thinking why the hell should i because i do not have a smiget of mutual interest back, why give a chance? why not just wait until you get the butterflies again? if you like someone.. it shouldn't EVENTUALLY come after you guys start dating, it should come before that. after just feeling so... URG after another failed relationship and racking my brain at why the hell i gave my ex so many god damn chances, i have never dealt with someone more of the perfect definition of a fucking retarded asshole than him. granted i am dating less and less with each passing year, especially compared to how whacko i was back in high school. all of this it's experience. it's learning. it's growing. but i've had enough of them. can't i just quit yet? i am tired of it all.
i don't want to meet new guys and think hm.. dateable? *rolls eyes* it's stupid. i just keep thinking back to my last "good" relationship. granted it was a horrible break up, bad on both parts. but... it really made me happy in the longest time, however short a time it lasted. it was the first time a guy ever acted so chiveralous towards me: opening car doors, offering to pick me up for dates, taking me to nice places, trying so hard to make a good first date (an amazingly great first date). it was the first time i really tried a long distance relationship. and i had gotten over it and moved on to liking other guys, dating other guys, falling for other guys, etc. but recently i've just been thinking about it a lot. it was hard to keep up with the long distance, but it was a hell of a lot easier than starting from scratch over and over again. i've been wondering more these days whether it realy would have worked if the timing was right and we didn't always end up being on the opposite ends of the west coast from each other, would it have worked?
i don't know.. maybe i just miss that comfortable feeling. no i KNOW i do. but now, it's not a matter of just having any guy fill in, it really matters. maybe my friend was right. the "right boy" for me won't be anywhere near san jose. go figure. i just feel... so empty. knowing how it feels to be content and knowing it's nowhere in you, at least for the time being, is driving me crazy at night. i guess i manage to just drift with the ebb and flow of my daily school routine during the day. the night is my enemy dammit. okay enough ranting >o< time to study one more hour then i guess it's considered a nap rather than sleep.
~~~~s2* joi
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| well.. this song basically sums up what i've been feeling for the last few days.
don't really have much to say. a lot is on my mind, but not the things that are immediately important at the moment.. like midterms =/ blah what a mess.
carolina liar- show me what i'm looking for.
wait, i'm lost.
should've done better than this.
please, i'll be strong. i'm finding it hard to resist
so show me what i'm looking for~~
save me, i'm lost.
oh, lord i've been waiting for you.
i'll pay any cost, save me from being confused.
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for. oh lord..
don't let go.
i've wanted this for far too long
mistakes become regrets
i've learned to love abuse.
show me what i'm looking for~~
save me, i'm lost.
oh, lord i've been waiting for you.
i'll pay any cost, save me from being confused.
show me what i'm looking for.
show me what i'm looking for.. oh lord.
show me what i'm looking for x3
save me. i'm lost.
oh lord i've been waiting for you.
i'll pay any cost. just save me from being confused.
wait, i'm wrong. i can't do better than this.
ill pay any cost. save me from being confused.
show me what i'm looking for x4.
~~~~s2* joi
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| can't sleep a wink tonight
so damn restless, even with the lack of light
couldn't rest
even if i wanted to try my best.
whatever happened to simpler times of Never land?
rather than this burden and troublesomes at hand.
eyes still wide wide open
staring as the seconds go by, my throat acroaking
again the clock ticks and tocks.
when it's nearly three o'clock.
exhausting days with the dullest lectures and a head full of nothing
is it even sensible to grab at a degree that ain't worth something?
why does peter pan face such grown up questions,
when he has better things to do that beckon.
coz it's time to grow up
no more childish fun to get into a rump.
tick tock tick tock
the alligator's got me on a lock.
time to run away
than be chasing bad things to bay | | |
| i am so screwed for sight singing.
no time to make a poem, been awhile since i posted. i am really baaad at this whole updating and forums dealeo's. ought to be sleeping right now, got too much on my mind. this stress but not really caring anymore has really got me into some trouble.
i'll ponder it more in my dreams and maybe my whacky dreams can tell me something and help me figure some of this mumbo jumbo out. peace.
~~~~s2* joi
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